Three steps to build your self-confidence as a mom
So much of the growth I’ve achieved as a mother, wife and person this last year has been because I’ve deliberately worked on growing my self confidence.
The following article will give you the understanding and direction to get started in doing the same, and seeing some awesome results in your life.
To lay the foundation for your confidence to stand strong, you will need to work on three things:
Your ability to trust yourself. (knowing you will follow through with a commitment you’ve made to yourself; integrity; sticking to your word)
Your belief that you are capable of experiencing any emotion (fear of feeling negative emotion is what drives a lot of our lesser action)
Your opinion of yourself. (Your self opinion is made up of a series of thoughts - some you are aware of and hear in your mind, and some that are so deep you don’t realize they are a part of your daily decision making)
...You know that intense feeling of, “Did I do the right thing for my kid? Did I make the right choice? ...Am I disciplining her in the way that will help her become the human being she is meant to become?”
I know you know that feeling. Because you’re a mom. And a good one.
So you care.
While these sorts of thoughts come from a place of love, the flavor of them would be so much more delicious (and the results in our and our kids’ lives) so much more effective if we added a heaping dose of self confidence.
If we did, those same thoughts would sound something more like this:
“I am the exact mother that these kids need. My love for them will be the perfect complement to any parenting approach I choose.”
“I was made for this. Built in me is all of the instinct and emotional intelligence I need to raise these children.”
...I know what your mind is telling you.
“Those are nice thoughts, that I used to have, before my baby turned into a toddler and needed discipline.” Or,
“But what if not?”
...There’s that lingering doubt.
That’s the human brain for you.
But think to yourself...has second-guessing your choices and efforts as a mother helped you to be more kind and loving, or more patient, or more anything that you wish you were more of? ...I promise you, self doubt (the opposite of self-confidence) does NOT help us be a better mother.
Worry only pretends to be necessary. It is actually one of the reasons that you find a gap between the mom you are, and the mom you want to become.
The pathway to the results that you most want as a mother - is to allow yourself to think and act from this abundant place of self confidence that I’m going to show you today.
Let's go in-depth to the three steps listed in the overview. Ready?
Step 1: Your ability to trust yourself.
This doesn’t get any easier than it has been, but what will help you to follow through with yourself, is to understand what a difference it will make in your life once you are able to make and then KEEP a commitment to yourself.
Fortunately, but also unfortunately - the only way to develop this skill is to practice. That means it won’t be strong in you tomorrow, but it totally can be over time if you are aware of the difference it will make in your life, and if you choose to work on it.
Can you imagine though, trusting yourself as much as you trust your most reliable friend?
...We all have that one friend that we can totally depend on (and those other friends who we just love, but know that we cannot.) Doesn’t it feel so peaceful when you trust that friend with a task? You just know they’ll take care of it. They’re there when they say they are. They do what they say they’ll do. Always. If they don’t, they are transparent and come to you in plenty of time to tell you about why, and they make plans to do it some other way.
You can trust them.
I want to be like that with myself. If you told yourself that you would not eat refined white sugar for six weeks, how likely would you be to actually follow through? Every day? For six weeks?
Your answer to that question is your gauge of where you’re at with self trust.
Work on it.
And know, this is an integral part of your ability to grow as a person. If you can keep a commitment to yourself, you can do anything. And you will KNOW that you can do anything.
And THAT is the foundation for confidence.
Step 2: Your belief that you are capable of experiencing any negative emotion.
Would you believe me if I told you that emotions run the world?
Think about it. .. anything you do, or don’t do - is because of how you think it will make you feel.
Why did you choose to have a baby? Among other reasons, you hoped and thought it would bring you the emotion of fulfillment at some point.
Why didn’t you go to that scary movie with your friends? You believed you’d feel, well, scared--both in the movie and every night for a week (guilty). You didn’t want to.
Most un-life-coached-people (like myself before I found this work), resist or are unwilling to feel negative emotion.
But here is what I want to tell you: if you can understand what negative emotion is, and learn to not fear it but to embrace it, it won’t last as long for you, and you will not be slowed down by it. You'll stop allowing it to have power over how you live your life.
It is the resistance to negative emotion that stops our progress. This life is meant to have opposition. Trying to avoid negative emotion (binge eating, turning on the TV in stead of processing what you’re feeling - in life coaching we call these types of avoidant behaviors "buffering") is only going to prolong it and delay the neg. emotion. Not avoid it.
There is no avoiding feeling negatively while you share space on this planet. It's part of the nature of our existence (more on that here).
BUT, here are two truths that will get you feeling confident in your ability to feel anything:
Emotions are simply vibrations in your body. Negative emotions are the more uncomfortable vibrations.
Willingness to feel negative/uncomfortable emotions, and learning how to actually process them, are the first steps to minimizing their detriment to your life flow
So next time you catch yourself feeling negatively (I say “catch” yourself, because our brains are so good at distracting themselves when there is negative emotion being felt) - this is how you process it:
Just BE in the emotion.
Where is it in your body?
Curiosity: why are you feeling it?
What does it feel like? Describe it as you would to someone who had never felt it before. (Tingly? Hot? Intense? Bubbling under the surface? Achey? Tight?)
Welcome it. Resistance only keeps it there longer.
If you see negative emotions for what they truly are, and can get into the habit of processing them versus ignoring or avoiding them, I can promise you that you will not experience these negative vibrations at the same intensity that they started, for more than 10-15 minutes.
Give it a try (or one hundred tries. It takes a while to get into this habit, but it feels SO good and life feels so much more manageable when you get the hang of doing this regularly.)
...This may all sound trivial or like you could skip this step, but this is how you move forward in building your self confidence. ALL of the worthwhile ideas or goals or dreams you have in your life, cannot be built, achieved, or accomplished without feeling some negative emotion along the way.
Failure is the currency of success.
And so you must do the work NOW to be okay with feeling any uncomfortable emotion.
If you can feel anything, then you can attempt anything.
And you can KNOW that you can do anything.
And that is self confidence.
Step 3: Your opinion of yourself.
[Because you are obviously into this topic and getting something out of this article since you’re here in the last section, I invite you to subscribe to my weekly emails, where you’ll be getting bite-sized loads of similar life-helping knowledge. Go ahead, subscribe here.]
The definition of “opinion”: a view or judgment formed about something, not necessarily based on fact or knowledge.
Your opinion of yourself is made up of a group of thoughts that you believe about yourself. Where these come from and what they’re based on, we don’t know, nor does it really matter.
What matters is the answer to this question: is your opinion of yourself-your beliefs about yourself- serving you?
Are you liking the action you’re taking in your life, and the results you’re getting?
If you’re not 100% satisfied, there is some work to be done regarding the pool of thoughts about yourself in which you swim each day.
Believe me, this makes a difference. It's one of those things where you don't realize what a difference your self thoughts were making, until you learn to change them. So if you are at all struggling as a mom, or with your self identity/self talk/whatever, reach out to me. I have been through this, been trained on this, and can help you so much. Happy to. I feel called to, after everything I have surmounted and overcome in motherhood and with my identity.
SO MUCH could change in your life if you do this work, whether you hire me to help you or not.
If you want to dig deeper into this work on yourself, I have something special to offer you.
Sign up here and I’ll send you four writing exercises to really hone in on what you believe about yourself. Once you do them, you’ll see the themes in your self-thoughts. You’ll be able to determine your beliefs about yourself, and choose if you want to keep them or change them.
These exercises will act as a spring board to get you warmed up and moving forward with your self confidence. I am SO excited about them and I know they will help you! They have done that for me! Easily! For sure!
As always, I am also happy to assist. Reach out to me firstname.lastname@example.org and I can talk you through and help you if you are needing it.
To end, i’ll just say this.
...If you can change your opinion of yourself to one that is empowering, you will really like yourself.
And liking yourself is the best way to not need approval from others.
Which, you guessed it, is self confidence.
Liz Langston, Life Coach
Liz Langston is a wife, mother of three preschool age and younger, and a life coach. What's a life coach? A life coach is trained to help those of us who are otherwise healthy and normally functioning, but who would like to step things up to another level. Coaches help us see what is happening in our minds, and make the necessary tweaks just so, so that we can get out of the rut or cycle we may be in, and get results we love in our relationships, self confidence, our business, health, money...you name it.
To sign up for Liz's weekly emails with bite-sized life coaching tips, click here.
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